The Life of One Canuck

“Why do you persist, Mr. Manoukarakis?! WHY DO YOU PERSIST?”

October 15, 2009 at 5:25 am (Uncategorized)

(Matrix reference, if you don’t get it you have no business being here)

Oh and Manoukarakis is my last name. I don’t know if I explicitly mentioned that but it’s there now, just in case any predators are looking for that last little bit of information to track me down.

Back to the title, however. Sometimes I just wonder what I’m moving towards. After last weeks little tirade (a path I’ve decided I won’t be going down again for a LONG time) I feel like I shattered a thin layer of happiness that held off the threshold of sadness welling up in my heart. I’m going to go against my better judgement and not delete it. I feel I should leave it there if only as a reminder of my past; we all need to remember where we came from. That, and I really did mean it when I said it felt cathartic to expel all that anger and melancholy corked up inside me and if I deleted it I would just be short-changing myself.

Any who!

After last week I have felt consistently drained. I won’t go into specifics about what happened last week that triggered it, but judging from what I was complaining about, I’m sure you can piece it together well enough. Needless to say, things haven’t been reconciled so my condition continues to stagnate. But I’m used to it, I’ve been stagnating emotionally for years and after a while you just reluctantly accept it. It’s just like a wafting odor, the more it hangs around the less you realize it until someone walks into the room and says “god damn, this stinks!”

I’m trying to be positive, but at the moment the best I can really muster is a sluggish pop to get me out of bed everyday, and for now I’m happy with letting that suffice. I’ve found that if you really try to force a mood onto yourself, you end up just adding to the problem and it all accumulates into something much worse.

God, I’m being incredibly vague. I just realized that this moment

But hey, what is life if not a big vague, ambiguous clusterfuck of things rushing past you so quickly you feel nauseated?

Sorry, apparently I didn’t get all the angst out last week.

I’ll update when I feel my mood affords me some respite.

- – -

If you read what used to be here and were hurt by it, I’d like to apologize. If you’re back here reading for a reason to hate me; please understand that I’m really sorry for what I put you through.